Posts
 |
| Source: ancientfaith.com |
I received this from one of our more recent inquirers following the Liturgy on Sunday and the Gospel reading of the Multiplication of the Loaves (Matt. 14:14-22). I appreciate the honesty and openness of what is written, and asked permission to share it with the rest of the parish. Any given Liturgy and any given Gospel passage, can open us up to deep self-reflection, if we in turn arrive with an open mind and an open heart.
_____
Hello Father Steven,
I just wanted to expand on my feelings today during Liturgy. I spoke with you briefly, however, there was no way for me to convey everything that at once ran through me in an explosion of clarity. Writing also often helps me gather my thoughts to make more sense of them.
I have often wondered how, in the scriptures, so many directly saw the miracles of Christ and still did not believe. When reading I often try to place myself in the text to understand better. How could our Lord heal the blind and sick and still be doubted? How could He calm the seas and still be doubted? How could He run out demons from the people and still be doubted? I thought to myself that I would not have been among those that doubted. Can I, however, say that with confidence?
It is so easy to think you know something and yet still not fully understand. I have been to eleven Divine Liturgies now at Christ the Savior Church including the one held today. I knew what the Eucharist represented. And yet, for ten of those liturgies, I did not fully understand the miracle I was witnessing. I can now see that I was one in the multitudes that you described, unaware of a miracle happening right in front of me.
I now reflect that I was even resistant to the idea that simple wine and bread could be transformed into the body and blood of Christ. I have always prided myself for my scientific mind, and learning to have real faith in things I cannot logically comprehend is something I struggle with, though I wrestle with myself to change. When you said today that we may see miracles every day and not believe it due to attributing them to something else, those words rang so true to me. You described something I battle every day. How often have I been skeptical and even resistant? My mind is often closed to the truth and instead insists, “I will believe it when I see it.”
And yet I had “seen” for ten weeks, but only with an unopened mind incapable of true seeing. My “logical” mind took the Eucharist for purely a tradition passed down in honor of Christ. Today, at your words, something finally clicked and took my breath from me as I finally saw the truth that I had missed week after week. My Lord and my God was in front of me and yet I had not recognized Him, just as those who travelled on the road with Him after His resurrection.
It is deeply humbling to suddenly recognize your own blindness that stems from a misguided pride in the "logical" mind. Then I recognized the accompanying unbelief that my pride had led me to. While I felt in the moment that I was silly for the tears that then came to me, who would not weep?
The words of Mark 9:24 come to me now. “Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, ‘Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”
There is still so much for me to learn and I pray that my eyes continue to be opened to the truth. For now I will trust in our Lord that He will help my unbelief, if I but stretch out my hands and ask with a sincere and humble heart.
